THE HANDBOOK: RULE # ?

Could somebody please tell me where in the hand book is says I have to save EVERYBODY! Honestly… where? That guy I've mentioned before, Ron from procurement, is on my list of folks that I just will not save. If a giant robot starts to smash through the building, I’m not helping Ron. There is no way around it. I will not save him. This guy has got to be one of the worst folks I’ve ever met.

He sits at his desk all day and he grabs everyone who walks by. If you’ve just come back from a trip to California, then Ron will tell you how he spent time there, on his way to Hawaii. I mean, really. Ron is one of those folks who makes themselves feel better by belittling your adventures. One time, Jan from accounting was sharing the magic of her week-long honeymoon with her now husband, Mark. She talked about how wonderful the Caribbean was, and how she would have loved to stay a few more days. As soon as Jan finished, Ron jumped in to tell about his Caribbean adventures… something about three weeks, meeting the locals, purchasing property and the natives throwing him a farewell party because they would miss him so much. But I assure you, I’m not the hater – it’s Ron. He just doesn’t want anyone to have any happiness. Not happier than his own memories.

And if that wasn’t enough, don’t turn down an invitation to his annual summer BBQ. Most of the office had learned to eat before they arrive. Ron can’t really cook, and it never fails that one of our office mates gets sick right after. Food poisoning? Last year, Jackson’s admin assistant, Kesha, turned down the invitation. Even explained that her family reunion was that same weekend, and she would be out of the state. Not good enough for Ron. Before the day was out, Ron had circulated the rumor that Kesha’s daughter was not by her husband. We found out four months later that it wasn’t a rumor. Kesha won't go down to procurement any more. Ron has a restraining order against her for aggravated assault. I was hoping she would have actually got her hands on him. Kesha looks like the type to scratch a guy's eyes out.

So, the way I see it, when all hell breaks loose, I don’t want nobody to ask any questions. Ron stays to perish in the clutches of a mindless robot – or whatever plagues this building. But I promise, I will save everyone else.

Scout’s honor!