KEEPING IT REAL

I respect that Tony [Dispatch] is the brains of the Urban 30. Hell, most times I see it as an honor that I was accepted in – despite the high turn over. The Urban 30 is supposed to be a collective of model heroes, protecting the tri-city area. To be in the Urban 30, you need to prove you stand with the best and not bend when times are tough. I’m proud to say I fit the bill.

Often times, I get to fight along side my super comrades. Thanks to Tony [Dispatch], Terra [Elemental] landed a job in the same company as me. But I question my thanks to Tony [Dispatch] for placing Brice [Enigma] here as well. Nothing against the guy but I just don’t get his angle. Terra [Elemental] and I get along great but this Brice [Enigma] fellow has my brow raised.

When I think about it, I haven’t seen Brice [Enigma] in action much – admittedly because I just block him out when he’s on the scene. Hell, the last two times Tony [Dispatch] called Brice [Enigma] to a situation, he didn’t respond. I bet he’s online buying some new loafers or something. Brice [Enigma] has only been with the company for a few months – maybe less. Remy from our Human Rights Unit told me he spends all his time shopping for labels, or bidding on Ebay. Of course she knows this because she has a thing for Lindy in I.T. I’m glad I’m on their good sides.

At the end of the day, I just want to get the job done and make some folks proud. That’s what I’m here for. Despite the cameras and the fans chanting my name, I put in work. I’m certain Tony [Dispatch] can tell you that I have the highest response rate. Hell, I’ve been there for Terra [Elemental] every time she’s needed me. Except when I first met Candice, but that situation is different. It’s not like I was being trifling. I just had to know who Candice was. I think Terra [Elemental] understood.

SOME BACKGROUND

You may not know, but I've been doing the hero thing for about 10 years now. As much as I like to pretend, I really don't have all the answers. But nobody wants to know that you don't have the answers, so sometimes you just have to fake it.

A year after knowing I could do it, I decided to put it to use. I thank my friend James. He has powers, too – though they developed in a not so exciting way. James first got his powers the first time he was struck by lightening. Despite the drama surrounded by his powers, James always said he'd become a hero when he grew up. After my powers kicked in, and James and I formed our own super group, James moved. His family took him away. His mom promised my mom that he'd write – but that didn't happen. I often wondered if his family has him locked in the basement to keep him from getting struck by lightening. They really should have embraced it. Whenever there was a blackout, James would come over and power the whole house so we could still watch cable. We were best friends. Since he left, I decided to keep the hero thing going. And Just maybe, we'd run into each other again – except this time, I would have all the girlfriends.

My first costume was definitely too kid-like. But I was 15, what would you expect. I would show up to a situation ready to brawl with the bad guys and the cops would tell me to stand back, because they thought I was a little kid playing dress up. Damn these boyish good looks. What they didn't get was, I was the hero on the scene. No matter how old.

My second costume was a bit too grown up. Very boring get-up. I'm certain I was over compensating for the previous. That short-lived look transitioned into my 3 installment of life. This was a dark time for me. Breaking lots of rules, and doing things my way. Aside from building bad credit, I also developed a reputation for not playing the game straight. I'd show up to a crime scene and nearly get arrested for something days before. Far as I saw it, I stopped the bad guys, who cared if they had a broken bone or two. Honestly, I think the cops was mad I was getting all the benefits. I've watched television. I knew they would get some of the vilian's loot to split among themselves. I just took my cut first. And as far as the bad guys, I never understood how they could be so scary, only to turn around and cry like babies over a few bruises and scratches.

My latest costume is perfect. It's trendy, and reflects the whole 20's me. Grown, but not past my prime. It says I'm capable of handling the situation. Even fits under my regular clothes. And I know folks usually frown on the whole spandex thing... but let's face it. I'm 25. Physically, I'm hot. But I don't brag or nothing.

So, I've got a new costume, a new name and a new repuation to build. As long as no one connects me to the "dark" me, it's all good.

NO MORE FAVORS

Derrick caught up to me sometime during lunch. I had left the office for an extended lunch. With so many folks still out for Christmas, or embarrassment from the holiday party, the office is like a ghost town. The bad part is I apparently missed a few things that Terra was happy to fill me in on.

Moving on, I’m in the department store browsing some DVDs when Derrick shows up. That guy would be so crushed if he ever lost his speed powers.

“I called you, why didn’t you answer.” Derrick quizzed.

“When did you call?” I felt my pockets. “I think I left my phone in the car.”

“Oh. Ok. It was like 3 minutes ago.” Derrick turned to the selection of DVDs.

Derrick’s impatient attitude was the result of him meeting this “great” girl, who would only go out with him if he brought a friend – for her twin sister. What! Are you serious? What kind of girl will only go out with you unless you can promise a Beau for her sister as well? These are crazy times.

The more Derrick talked about this blind date I realized I had to know something. How he come to pick me? Easy... He didn’t. Apparently Derrick has a photo of everyone at my tree trimming party in his cell phone. While I know he could have shown cell phone pictures of his two single brothers or his coworkers down at the race track, I’m willing to testify in court that Derrick did not flip through so many pictures on account of him having so many photos of unattractive naked women. Naturally, Derrick didn’t want to scare his new prize, so he went for the first G-Rated picture available. Lucky me. This mystery woman took one look at pointed to me. Not that it mattered I was the only single person in the photo.

I only agreed to go because Derrick really begged. He has the worst taste in women, and I knew I was in for a horrible evening. Besides, isn’t it just a bit juvenile to only go out with a guy, if he can get a date for your sister? That doesn’t make me think these ladies are too good looking. Well, here’s hoping for a great personality.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Another early morning wake up – this one not so bad… Tony [Dispatch] needed a favor from a few of us. Using the Sunshine Fund that we have in the Urban 30, Tony [Dispatch] bought food and gifts for a few needy families in the area. This was definitely a worth-while way to spend my morning. Besides, pancakes aren’t just for breakfast any more.

I’m making trips back and forth from home base to different houses in the city. I feel good. I can’t stop smiling.

THE BROTHERS OF BLUE

Nearly midnight, Christmas Eve – and soon it will be Christmas Day. I thought it would be a nice peaceful evening. Shawn, Greg, Lawrence and Dame were coming over to play a little Xbox, eat carry out and just enjoy the fact that nobody had to work the next day. Gotta’ love the single life. In fact, Greg was the only to have kids – since he was divorced he didn’t have to show up for family time till breakfast tomorrow morning. But all that changed when Tony (Dispatch) put me on call. Next thing you know, I’m leaving messages to folks saying lets reschedule.

I’m so sick of these damn Blues Boys. How the hell do you fight them? These guys seemed to take your best efforts and just make them worthless. Where their power comes from is beyond me. I have to admit, breaking my Christmas Eve tradition of hanging with the fellas and drinking the holiday in is a bit of a bummer.

There were always too many Blues Boys to fight them all. But we’ve learned they are all connected to one. So if I remedy the right one, the rest will fade. I needed to figure it out though, because the Blues Boys were grabbing folks left and right, trying to abduct them and turn them into more Blues Boys. These miserable guys love company.

Finding the source was something more like an impossible task. But just as I was about to give in to frustration, members of the Urban 30 began to arrive. As I smiled, I wondered what took them so long – but I was happy they were there.

With a warm confidence, I identified the source and we offered a beating that should keep the Blues away for a very long while. The Urban 30 isn’t just a super group, but a super family. These guy rock!

HANDS FREE...

I had pretty much decided when I woke up that today would be a low-key one. There were no plans to leave the house, no plans to do any last minute shopping – I just don’t even attempt to blend with the last minute crowd. I especially didn’t have any plans to save the city for any reason. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it twice… there are 30 folks in the Urban 30. That means, someone else can have a turn.

After eating, I settled into the couch for a few games on the x-box 360. Just as a grabbed the controller, my phone beeped. A text message from Riggs [Mack-Truck]… I really think we should approve some of the names that folks pick.

“Yo, guess what I’m doing…” We’re both a part of the Urban 30, and sometimes in competition about who is the strongest. We both know its him, but its fun to pretend.

The phone beeped again. I hadn’t even responded to the first before the second chimed.

“I’m fighting Blitz. He got out. I’m totally embarrassing him (ha-ha)!”

I sighed and turned on CNN. This city was good for a live feed on trouble. Sure enough there was a camera on the scene. Riggs [Mack-Truck]) punched him hard and Blitz fell through a brick wall. Nice. But then Riggs [Mack-Truck] stopped to pull out his cell phone. What the hell was he doing? As Riggs [Mack-Truck] was distracted, Blitz smacked him on the back fo the head with a heap of bricks. Riggs [Mack-Truck] just dropped.

My phone beeped again. A text message. Please tell me Riggs [Mack-Truck] isn't texting me when he is supposed to be saving the city.

"Yo, will somebody tell this guy that he is out-ma..."

Yep. He was texting me. Now I felt slightly embarassed. I looked back to CNN and Riggs [Mack-Truck] had gotten up, and regained controll of the fight. He punched Blitz into a daze, then stepped back for his signature move. (I've got to get me one of those.) I'm not sure if Riggs [Mack-Truck] does this because his zodiac is Taurus, or because he thinks it fits with the whole trucker-look that he was going for. Even still, when Riggs [Mack-Truck] does his charging attack it's usually game over.

Riggs [Mack-Truck] stopped when there was enough distance and then ran full speed toward Blitz. It all seemed to go in slow motion, but that was my eyes playing tricks on me. Riggs had actually slowed down to send another text message.

Please don't send me another... My phone beeped.

"I'm about to Charge him! He won't know what..."

While texting me, Riggs [Mack-Truck] tripped over debris in his path. The only thing crushed from his warpath was his phone - sending me the last message. Though Blitz had recovered his senses, he pretty much called it a day. So in the end, Blitz got away and Riggs [Mack-Truck] needed a new phone to use his unlimited texting feature.

I think whoever made the cell phone laws should apply the same fines for some heroes. Just not me.

THE HOLIDAY PARTY - IN REVIEW

So let’s talk about last night. Our holiday party was definitely a night to remember. I must add though, that I think it goes without saying, that one should not get drunk in front of their coworkers. I’ve been in some crazy situations – but even I have enough sense not to let those folks see me at my worst. Too bad they didn’t have a choice.

The evening started off in great spirits. Because of the early morning scuffle as my alter ego, I was a bit late getting to work. By the time I arrived, the office was closing. Great news for me, since it gave me a chance to sleep a bit longer and catch up to Terra to get my eye healed. She’s a wiz with these plants… like a shaman on television.

Needless to say, I arrived to the party in the best of moods. One thing that Daisy didn’t get rid of was the DJ – thank goodness because he was truly spinning those records. It seemed like everyone was dancing and having a great time. After a few songs, I make my way to the refreshments table. Just as I poured a cup of punch, Karl (the new guy) popped up to advise against it. I was instantly suspicious, so I went into the kitchen for a bottle of water.

I spent the next hour watching everyone frequent the punch bowl. When it was low, Karl mixed more. Smiles grew wider; folks were so happy. What I noticed was that folks were too happy.

The evening entertainment started and Rona, Sasha, Sherrie and Tanya took to the front. Normally these ladies performed wonderfully. I would have sworn they were a girl group in another life. But tonight, they met some challenges. Sherrie fell out during the first song. She just dropped. The office was so drunk, they laughed thinking it was part of the show. The past-life pop diva group was one down but Rona, Sasha and Tanya didn’t miss a beat. They kept singing and dancing.

On the fourth song Rona experienced a costume malfunction. Well, actually she didn’t. She flat out turned into a stripper and dropped down to her skimpies, walked off the stage for another cup of punch and handed the microphone to Terra. Rona was done for the night. But again, these ladies were past-lives pop divas. They kept going! Sasha and Tanya made the last song a duet, and adjusted quite nicely. The only problem was Tanya’s wig falling off during the last note.

If that weren’t enough, the projector that had been broadcasting a happy holidays message, was now flashing sporadic photos of Daisy making out with Larry the Janitor. Apparently, Daisy only comes to work to freak. All her real work gets done at home. When Ron saw the pictures, he left the party.

Apparently, the only folks sober, other than me, were Karl and Terra. I smelled a rat. Folks were dropping like flies. Ms. Grady had fallen asleep in her own vomit and Kesha was on the phone with her original baby’s daddy confessing he is also the father of her next child. No one even knew she was pregnant.

Just as the night was all about to be over – I wondered if Terra and I would have to go super just to make sure everyone got home safely – Karl stood up to offer final words.

“Since the holiday committee is unable to say thank you, I thought I would take this moment to say a few words. I want to thank each of you for being so great to me during my first month here in the office. However, a few apples have spoiled the bunch. Effective immediately, I resign from the company.” Karl started to leave the room, but came back. “Oh, they punch is really loaded. You guys will feel really bad until Monday. Then you will be good as new. Happy holidays!”

Karl passed by me on his way out. He thanked me for not making the pictures of him and Big Bertha public. Can I tell you that I’m so glad that I didn’t?

I didn’t stay to help clean up. The way I saw it, I enjoyed seeing everyone make such fools of themselves – cleaning up would have made it less fun.

SHE LIKES ME!

Ok, I know it’s a bit silly, but I can’t help it. What would you do if you were in my shoes? I already expressed my concern for how it would obstruct my ability to save the city. But now this…

It all started when I got a call from Tony (Dispatch), early this morning. I can’t believe I even heard the phone ring before 6:00 a.m. But before I knew it, I was downtown attempting to defuse a really bad situation. Seems like Blitz was drunk, and he was trashing the inside of a bank. There was money all over the place and he hadn’t picked up not one dollar – is it possible to be that drunk? Add to it, the jewelry store a few doors down, nearly brought to the ground – but there was no new “bling” to his costume.

By now, I realized that all the other heavy hitters slept through Tony’s (Dispatch) call. This of course makes me the last resort. I don’t really like that feeling – but I can’t argue with the fact that I wish someone else would have answered so I could still be sleep. At this point, though, it’s no use crying over spilled milk.

And so, I step into a 40 minute brawl with Blitz and even have a black eye to prove it. That wonderful fact didn’t come about until I got back home to change. On the way home, I stopped at the Mocha Bean Café, next to the job. I still felt like I needed more sleep and was hoping a Frozen Mocha Java Espresso Freeze Blast would wake me up. The best part about that visit was seeing Candice.

I entered the place and everyone immediately stared at me. This was one of those few moments where I would be in the building as Sonus and not Leroy. I walked up to the counter and ordered my drink. And then it happened. Candice smiled at me. I knew she liked me. She turned to make my drink and a woman came from the back – she looked so familiar. And suddenly, it was all clear.

“Candice, you really should come see the choir perform. There are some really cute guys I could introduce you to…” She’s the Assistant Director of the choir.

“Girl, I don’t want to meet any guy whose free time is spent singing Broadway show tunes with a community choir.” Candice giggled.

I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I was speechless. When Candice turned around to give me my drink, I was still wide-eyed and panicked – I forgot to even reach for my wallet to pay.

“It’s ok, it’s on the house, cutie.” Candice winked.

I smiled, since I mouth wouldn’t let me talk. I hurried out of the place and got home as fast as possible (without spilling my Frozen Mocha Java Espresso Freeze Blast). I had to figure this out. Clearly she liked me (Sonus), but if she was going to like Leroy (the other me) I was going to have to get rid of the choir. I’ll start by getting some healing herbs from Terra. Even Leroy can’t be a ladies man with a busted eye.

WEDNESDAY'S ARE NOT FOR FIGHTING CRIME...

Have you ever been somewhere and you can’t really process how you got there. My cousin calls and BAM, I’m in a choir. Personally, I have nothing against choirs. But, how is that going to look when I show up late to save the city, because I had choir rehearsal? I just don’t think heroes were meant for some things. How do you explain to the director that the tenors will have to be one voice down because you got slammed into the ground just a bit too hard, and it hurts to talk?

My cousin, she loves choirs. She’s been in a choir for as long as I can remember. Me, I can’t commit to the frequency. It’s just too vigorous. I honestly can’t imagine how any person can be free every single Wednesday of every week.

Somehow, she (my cousin) calls and says it would be good for my social life. She doesn’t really like me doing the whole super hero thing – on account of it being so dangerous. So, at every chance she gets, my cousin will take every opening to suggest that I find a better hobby. I gave up explaining that being a hero wasn’t a hobby; I was wasting my air. I think the worst thing about the choir is the 80 year old soprano who keeps pinching my butt every time I walk by. At least it’s not some old guy in the tenor section who cant control his flatulence. Who invented community choir?

JUST VENTING...

I wonder how many folks in the world can relate to me on this issue. Have you ever had a huge project due, first thing the next morning and your supervisor leaves for the day – without even knowing the status of the assignment? How the hell does she expect to report on this project, when she doesn’t even know what you’ve written? I’ve officially been pimped.

Let’s be real about this. This assignment was not even mine, it was hers. She dumped it into my lap, and each time I’ve called on her to either offer an update or ask a question, she’s M.I.A. Then, the eve of the meeting, she shows up to tell me how she’s so stressed and can’t wrap her brain around it. Even further, she says that I will have to lead the meeting – as if she had ever planned to do it herself. No, damn it! They need to see how dumb you really are. But I can’t say that. Which means, she pimped me!

So, tomorrow I get to come in here – decked out in my sharpest suit – and act like the subject matter expert on some information that I just made up. I’m telling you, if I could pay rent… and my car note… and my cell phone… and utilities… and eat… and buy clothes... and buy electronics... all from the money earned as a superhero, I would – without a doubt – blow this popsicle stand. For real!

IN A HURRY TO GO NOWHERE!

Todd (Router) is a sometime active member of the Urban 30 – our team of heroes. He’s been a member probably since the Urban 30 began, but that’s before my time. Anyway, Todd gets hooked up with a car to go with his identity. Since he doesn’t fly, he’d been complaining he needed a “Bond” car – as we call them. A Bond Car is some tricked out car that looks great, and does all these amazing things. He begged, and finally got one.

Of course, I’m looking to take it for a spin. Maybe get a box of chicken from the drive through. Just as Todd was showing me all the bells and whistles (I was maybe the 5th person he’d bragged to), Tony (Dispatch) tells me to make my way downtown for some action.

“Ok, Todd. I’ve got to get out of here. City is in danger – blah, blah, blah…” I’m not sure there was much concern in my expression. But I’m used to this sort of emergency.

Suddenly Todd’s eyes widened “Let me drive you. I could get you there quick, and in style.” He was like a teen with his first car.

“I’m not sure, Todd. I think they want me to get there pretty quick. But you could meet me there, I could use the company.” I was trying to be serious. After all, wasn’t there a crisis or something?

“Dude, we have to take the car. Get in, it will be quick. Think of how the ladies will adore us when we show up in this baby, here.” He did have a point.

I was sold. I jumped in the car and we were off. Unfortunately we didn’t get very far. Within the first 3 blocks, Todd hit the curb and busted the tired. No problem he assured me, the car had a built in auto repair for the tire. I must admit that I was amazed. That amazement did fade however. On the next block, we encountered crawling traffic.

I had to suggest to Todd again, that it may be a good idea if I meet him there, but somehow, he talked me into waiting.

Some 30 minutes later we arrive to the scene of the crime and Ean, Raz and Tam had taken complete control of the situation. I had missed the entire fight. I could not believe it. Just like that. There was no arriving in style. Hell, we barely arrived. I demanded that we leave. There was no point in staying. I just felt foolish, sitting in Todd’s car beating myself for not leaving his ass.

Todd made a u-turn and we left the scene. 5 blocks later, Todd smashed into the rear of a dumb truck. I was clearly defeated by this day. I left Todd to work out the drama. I flew home to take a long shower.

SMALL WORLD

Since the meeting last week, I’ve been stuck on the comment that Terra made. A coal complexioned, statuesque woman with blond braids… That sounds an awful lot like my upstairs neighbor, Marsha. And after a week of dwelling on the thought, I had to look for proof. So far, every rumor that Ron has started has been true. Why should this situation be any different?

I make my way up the stairs to Marsha’s apartment. We had only spoken in passing, coming in and out of the building. But, we were neighbors – I should be able to knock on the door and borrow a cup of sugar, right?

Just before I knocked at the door, I heard a whole lot of screaming and a clank against the wall. I’m sure this wasn’t a good time, but curiosity was demanding. Add in the fact that I’m a bit stronger than anyone would think, thanks to my alter ego, I’m sure I won’t get hurt if there is trouble on the other side of the door.

I knock after a few minutes of silence, and Marsha opens the door immediately. She had a very strong presence. She looked me square in the eye, as if we were destined to fight right here and now. Then suddenly, Marsha changed her demeanor. She smiled. Almost hypnotic. It scared me.

“I hate to impose, but could I borrow a cup of sugar?” I smiled back.

“Sure, honey. Come on in.” Marsha stepped aside to let me in. “Just follow me to the kitchen.”

The apartment was pretty simple. There was a perfectly round, plush couch in the center of the living area. A stereo with surround sound speakers was just to the left as you entered the apartment, and a wet bar was on the other side, next to the balcony. A flat panel television was also hung on the wall, like a perfectly placed picture.

“You want brown sugar or white, baby?” Marsha seemed really nice. “I just baked some cookies – sugar and ginger bread. You are more than welcome to have some.”

I thanked her as I reached for one of the fresh baked ginger bread men. I notice next to the trash can was a broken cell phone. That must have been the angry conversation I heard before knocking. Marsha took two small containers and filled them with brown and white sugar. She ranted about throwing a party for a friend, and further about a grade she’d received in her creative writing class. I started to believe I had the wrong person. I couldn’t see anyone who bakes cookies and takes a creative writing class, some how scantily clad in leather and chains for a bondage session. But I was wrong.

Just as I took the two containers from Marsha, I saw the colorful letter magnets on the refrigerator. The spelled Big Bertha. Underneath were three pictures. All of which were Marsha and Karl, the new guy at work. He was stripped down to an off white pair of underwear and Marsha was digging a glass heel into his groin.

“Ouch.” I didn’t mean to react… but wow.

“Oh, the pictures? Karl is my favorite client.” Marsha smiled, and this one was more warm and innocent.

“We work in the same office.” I replied

“Oh, well please give him these pictures. I was saving these till his next appointment. But he said his therapist suggested he not visit so much.” Marsha spoke as if this were all normal.

Of course I couldn’t wait to get back to work the next day. Now, how do I present these photos to Karl? And more importantly, how did Ron know?

TEAMWORK

So if I hadn’t mentioned it, I’m part of a super group. Terra and Ean are also apart of this group, but there are others. Though the roster has changed some, since I’ve been a member, there is always a good number. 30 to be exact. In having this team, sometimes we get to kick butt as a group – and on those rare occasions, we get our butts kicked (as a group). Even still, sometimes it’s good not to go solo. When it’s just me, there’s nobody to joke with. Can’t we all use a good laugh when we are facing life-threatening dangers?

Moving along, I arrived to the docks because Dispatch sent me there for some big bad thing that was wrecking shop. Dispatch is what I call Tony. He has this thing with information, and always seems to know what’s going on. Hell, he even told me my last girlfriend was cheating. Tony really comes in handy.

But as I was saying, Dispatch calls and I am on the job. What he didn’t say was the bad guy was Dead Space. Some how, this guy can suck up all the oxygen in a 15 foot radius. As a result, it’s hard to just walk up on him and commit to punches – just how long am I supposed to hold my breath. The best I could do was throw things, but Dead Space wasn’t a weak sort of fellow. I was just beginning to think it would be a long day, until Raz and Tam showed up. These ladies were like a duo before they joined the super group (and very easy on the eyes).

“Hey ladies, maybe u can help me get close enough to hit this guy.” I smiled. Have I ever mentioned that women love when I smile?

“No problem, tiger.” Raz is such a flirt.

Unfortunately, getting close proved to be a little difficult. Instead of fighting like the well-oiled machine that Raz and Tam have displayed on so many other occasions, Raz kept answering her cell phone to calm a jealous boyfriend – must be a new one. Even worse, Tam just complained about this cutting in to her holiday shopping. The ladies were inconsiderately distracted. Now, I find myself hiding in a gift shop while Dead Space throws a tantrum because his dog died. Wonder how that happened?

So, just to recap today’s events. I was called to save the day. Obviously, I needed help, so I get teamed with Raz and Tam. But apparently, Raz has to explain why she can’t meet some guy’s mother right now, without giving up the whole secret identity thing, and Tam can’t get past leaving all her sale items on hold at the cash register – something about a new chastity belt for her little sister.

Yep, I was right. It is going to be a long day. How the hell am I going get out of this situation?

CANDY WITH MY COFFEE

Some coworkers had mentioned drinks after work, but that was definitely out of the question. Last week, Ean drank me under the table. The only thing I remember is waking up in my car, with a homeless woman. I’m not sure how she got there, but I promise we didn’t have sex. So, until I know how this woman woke up in my back seat, the only buzz I’m going to get will be from a combination of chocolate and coffee. With that said, I hit the Mocha Bean Café for a java boost, and a peek at my soon-to-be wife, Candice.

Ray and I walk into the Mocha Bean Café and there she is. Candice. I hadn’t seen her in about two weeks, mainly because I’m not a coffee drinker. But once I saw Candice, I instantly forgot Ray was next to me, and walked toward the counter. She looked up to me and asked to take my order. I opened with a greeting, good to see you again. But her expression did not say she remembered me.

"What can I get you?" she asked.

Damn it! She doesn’t remember me... I tried to make small talk as I waited for my drink, but all she did was smile politely and wipe off the counter. Suddenly, a kid who looked too young to understand the word job walks over to me, dusting coffee grounds from his apron.

"You might as well give it up, she’s got her eye on someone else."

I suddenly felt crushed. Devastated. I thought I made a good impression. What happened?
Ray and I left the Mocha Bean Café, without my coffee. Life sucks!

THE UNFOCUSED GROUP

I just got out of a meeting, that I swear lasted 4 hours. The best part about it was the fact that they fed us. The meeting was a focus group for some training that the office is preparing to run. I would call in sick those days, but I’m leading most of the classes.

The meeting might have gone better if Ms. Grady hadn’t fallen asleep five times. Just because she’s older doesn’t mean she’s allowed to breathe heavy in a focus group. Otherwise, there was no point to her being there. Then there was the 20-minute argument between Karl, the new guy, and Ron from procurement. Usually Daisy, from HR, will take 10 minutes, off the recording, during your first-day orientation to brief you about Ron. Apparently that didn’t happen. Surprisingly enough, Karl was on point – and actually correct in all his comments. But the rest of us dare not let Ron know that we noticed. I can only wonder what uncanny rumor will surface about Karl. He’s probably too new for Ron to get any dirt on.

After getting back on track from the Ron and Karl moment, the meeting took one final hit, before we called it a day. Rona and Sasha stood up to excuse themselves, not ashamed to admit they were ditching the rest of the focus group to practice their routine for the holiday party. Of course, I had no objections – though it probably wasn’t the most professional move they could have made. So with Ms. Grady asleep, Ron and Karl both not speaking, and Rona and Sasha now gone, it seemed the meeting was over. Thanks everyone, see you next week.

MEMORY LANE: COSTUME # 2

I remember one time when the StickMen were on a rampage of the city. These guys usually stay low key now-a-days, considering they’re so afraid of fire. Anyone could understand once they realize the StickMen are made of wood. But, years ago, when they first jumped on the scene, the StickMen really had folks scared. The way I remember it, they’d stolen something important, ditched it on the black market for some hot diamonds and were on the way to trade the diamonds for cash. Ean was on the scene, even had the StickMen on the run. After a few blocks, Ean decides the chase wasn’t worth it. He falls back, and decides to get a burger or something.

Of course, I saw this as an opportunity for spotlight. I hit the streets and track the StickMen to Feelers Point. In hopes of a get-away car, the StickMen had torn the roof off of some kid’s car. The way he was crying, the poor kid probably hadn’t gotten permission from his parents to even drive the car. Even more, as I understand the story from the girl, the kid was on top of her – struggling with her bra when the StickMen ripped the roof. The kid got so scared, he peed his pants. When the girl felt the pee, she instantly threw up. Needless to say, the StickMen didn’t take that car. They grabbed another.

I eventually caught up to them in traffic, and brought them to justice – hero style. I didn’t get a whole lot of recognition. In fact, I didn’t get any. Ean showed up in the papers though. They figured he did all the work. I don’t even think Ean likes being a hero sometimes. But I mostly blamed costume number two. It was too boring – not attention getting at all.

IN THE BEGINNING

Being a hero is a tough gig- especially when you add it to having a day job. Since I won’t give up my secret identity to the government, and become a special agent behind a desk in a suit – just not flashy enough for me – I’m reduced to getting small cash bonuses from the city for things that could be considered truly spectacular. As a result, I don’t comb the city looking for muggers and robbers. The cops get paid for that. I, on the other hand, wait for the breaking news. That’s when its time for someone of my caliber.

During my first three costumes, I was every where. Someone getting mugged in the middle of the night, BAM, I’m right there. Bank safe getting blown out? BAM, I’m on the scene. I even once tried to help an old lady get her cat out of the tree. After 15 minutes of me trying to calm the cat enough to allow me to grab him, the cat hissed leaped to another branch and down the tree. I now know that the cat was not truly stuck. But the point is, BAM. I was there.

I got into this business because it was the only reasonable way to use my powers. All those guys who say they wanted to make a difference, that ain’t why they started. But, when you truly help someone, you do get a warm feeling. Or maybe that’s the dark liquor that some of us drink to dull the pain after a fight?

THIS CHRISTMAS

This year will be the official first year of me celebrating the holiday on my own. Of course the family normally shows up at mom’s house to decorate, but my own apartment is usually void of cheer. But this year is different. I invited mom and dad over for dinner next Saturday. And since I haven’t won the battle with Candice yet, I went on and invited my X, Vanessa. My parents always liked Vanessa, though they didn’t really understand how crazy she actually is. I had to stop going out with her, because she’d always embarrass me in public by forcing her fake psychic readings on strangers. She told a lady once that her husband had just died while cheating. The woman ran off crying, but later found us in a restaurant and assaulted Vanessa for such a lie. Fortunately, she’s never offered such a reading to my parents.

So, since dinner would be at my space, I had to make it look festive. I had invited just a few friends over to help trim the tree. Derrick was the first to arrive. He loved to make good use of his speed power, though he is not an active hero – partly due to the name Jiffy Jeff and Dart. I think is baby sister picked the name (his parents were old, but apparently frisky). Either way, he gave up the hero business after a few months.

Marc, Tina, Leah and Ean all arrived within a few minutes of each other. The only person not here yet was Terra. She’s always late, and I hope she doesn’t bring her kid, because my apartment is not built to handle juvenile creatures. We sat and talked for a few minutes. Luckily, Tina and Marc brought over some food from the chicken place down the block. After about 30 minutes, the gang decided they could no longer wait for Terra, and that we should start without her. I sent her a text, and we all began to sift through the unopened boxes of decorations, to begin.

In a blink, the tree was done. In fact, the entire apartment had been decorated, literally, in the blink of an eye… I hadn’t even had a chance to speak before Marc started swearing. He’s also given up the hero business on account of his potty mouth. How the hell could Derrick just come in and steal the joy of me decorating my own apartment. Derrick just sat down, smiling, finishing the last of the chicken. Did he take some sick pleasure in robbing me of my joy. But then I thought about it. No, he didn’t. He just gave me joy. I didn’t really want to do all that work. In fact, I just may have a party to take all this down, and invite Derrick. I sat down, too. Smiling. Marc would be swearing for another hour. It’s best to let him get it out, once he gets started.

THE HANDBOOK: RULE # ?

Could somebody please tell me where in the hand book is says I have to save EVERYBODY! Honestly… where? That guy I've mentioned before, Ron from procurement, is on my list of folks that I just will not save. If a giant robot starts to smash through the building, I’m not helping Ron. There is no way around it. I will not save him. This guy has got to be one of the worst folks I’ve ever met.

He sits at his desk all day and he grabs everyone who walks by. If you’ve just come back from a trip to California, then Ron will tell you how he spent time there, on his way to Hawaii. I mean, really. Ron is one of those folks who makes themselves feel better by belittling your adventures. One time, Jan from accounting was sharing the magic of her week-long honeymoon with her now husband, Mark. She talked about how wonderful the Caribbean was, and how she would have loved to stay a few more days. As soon as Jan finished, Ron jumped in to tell about his Caribbean adventures… something about three weeks, meeting the locals, purchasing property and the natives throwing him a farewell party because they would miss him so much. But I assure you, I’m not the hater – it’s Ron. He just doesn’t want anyone to have any happiness. Not happier than his own memories.

And if that wasn’t enough, don’t turn down an invitation to his annual summer BBQ. Most of the office had learned to eat before they arrive. Ron can’t really cook, and it never fails that one of our office mates gets sick right after. Food poisoning? Last year, Jackson’s admin assistant, Kesha, turned down the invitation. Even explained that her family reunion was that same weekend, and she would be out of the state. Not good enough for Ron. Before the day was out, Ron had circulated the rumor that Kesha’s daughter was not by her husband. We found out four months later that it wasn’t a rumor. Kesha won't go down to procurement any more. Ron has a restraining order against her for aggravated assault. I was hoping she would have actually got her hands on him. Kesha looks like the type to scratch a guy's eyes out.

So, the way I see it, when all hell breaks loose, I don’t want nobody to ask any questions. Ron stays to perish in the clutches of a mindless robot – or whatever plagues this building. But I promise, I will save everyone else.

Scout’s honor!

FRESH DO

Who ever said life just isn’t fair must have lived my life before me. There I was, minding my own business. I had just gotten to work a few minutes late. Not late enough to be in trouble, but late enough for everyone to notice. I had just gotten Crystal, from next door to my apartment, to braid my hair. And not just regular cornrows, but them fancy designs that u see in the music videos. I was sure that this new look would help to raise my status of being a superhero. But I didn’t count on one thing. The day after Crystal braids your hair, your head is much too tender to fight crime.

So I'm in the office, folks telling me ‘nice hair-do, Leroy’ and I’m smiling and thanking them. Then I get a call from Terra, who tells me another giant robot is stomping through the city. I figure she know she can’t handle it cause all she does is make flowers grow. So, despite being late, I tell folks I’m headed to a meeting, and I change.

I fly to the scene of it all, and almost immediately I get slapped by a giant metal hand. GIVE ME A BREAK! My head had never been in so much pain. It was like each folicle was being yanked, all at once. If it weren't for the news cameras, I might have cried. You can’t touch a brother’s head after he just got it braided. I really don’t think you guys understand, I thought every strand of my hair was forcibly removed. Hell, I wished it were– to end the pain.

But, u know super heroes can’t let things like that stop them. And I want to let the people know that I ain’t no weakling. So, I suck it up and I give this robot the pounding of his life… well, programming. Do artificial life forms actually call it a life? Well it doesn’t matter now, cause whatever this one had was gone when I finished. The worst part about it all was the fact that I couldn’t stay and talk to the press. My eyes were finally tearing up from the pull on my scalp, and I didn’t want anyone to think the robot had bested me.

Therefore, I just want to go on record. The next time I get Crystal from next door to corn row my hair, I’m taking off from work the next day. I’ve never felt so tender headed in my life. I’ll be the first to tell you that.

Good times!

THAT TIME OF YEAR

The office was finally going public with details of this year’s holiday party. Every year, we shut down the office for one day, and come together that night to celebrate the end of the year - and each other. Thanks to Daisy, the office sourpuss and HR person, we can’t really say Christmas, so we focus on the whole end of the year thing. As a result, Dave (the office drunk) no longer dresses up like Santa. We all knew he was inappropriately groping most of the women, but in the spirit of Christmas, Daisy should have forgiven him too. Ron from procurement mentioned they had some sort of fling in the copy room. When the evidence showed up accidentally in the annual report, it proved true. I stopped using that copy machine.

Another change was the Secret Santa Gift exchange. Once we gave up Santa, it was just a Secret Gift Exchange. And when Daisy was the only woman in the office to get a feminine hygiene basket, she was not a happy camper. Out went the gift exchange all together. I miss it, I always got cool things. Last year I got a new iPod. I’ve since learned not to wear them when fighting evil – as they tend to get damaged. And it’s hard to explain to the folks at the Genius Bar that I was saving the city when half my pod got incinerated.

The only thing that’s pretty much going to stay the same this year is the entertainment. For the last five years, Rona, Sasha, Sherrie and Tanya get together and sing a few songs. Did I mention those are the hottest ladies in the office? Last year, there was something with Fishnet stockings and spiked heels and those laced-front bustiers. Oh how I love my job.

BREAK FOR THE JAVA

Under normal circumstances, I would not try to pick up a lady while in costume… uniform. I just try to keep a certain level of ethics when I’m fighting crime. I’d been in a meeting all day and when I got out, I’d notice that Terra was already gone. I log online to cnn.com and here is this live footage of Terra shaking it down with E-Klypse. Honestly, I think this dude wants to ask her out – but that’s another conversation for another time.

So, in true hero like fashion, I leave work and switch to my alter ego. BAM! I’m ready to save the day. Well, almost. I could use a bit of a pick me up, and I’m sworn off of Red Bull since they started mixing it with my vodkas at happy hour. Next stop, the Mocha Bean Café. It’s moments like this I’m glad I have a mask over my eyes. Otherwise, I would have felt a bit out of place in full costume, trying to order a Frozen Mocha Extreme Blast from the bar. And luckily my belt can hold my cell phone and wallet – you just never know when you are going to need these things.

I step up to order my much needed pick-me-up when it hits me. She hits me. She is like… BAM! I mean, she is amazing. Remember those ethics I mentioned? Out the window… Just gone. Her name tag said Candice, and she looked oh-so-sweet. Immediately, I had to engage her in a conversation. Surely, she’d go out with me. I wasn’t just every day Leroy, I was getting ready to save the city. That’s gotta count for at least one date. Right?

So, I’m in line. I order my drink, and I make small talk. And again, in the spirit of all things super hero like, my cell phone goes off. I check the number, and it’s Terra. I mean, she’s got the absolute worst timing. I push the ignore button so that I can get back to Candice. I can’t go off fighting crime if I can’t have Candice in my life. Surely Terra would have understood. Just as soon as I pick back up with the conversation, the phone rings again. Ok, seriously, she’s trying to kill my day time minutes.

Candice asks me in such a sweet tone, “do you need to get that.” I smiled, showing my perfect teeth (women love great teeth), and responded 'nah, she’s got it'. I mean really… Terra has all those powers, why is she spending so much time on one guy. It can’t be that hard. And I bet you, she will come up with some excuse about P.M.S. or something.

I push ignore one more time, and Candice gives me my drink. Clearly my time in line was up, so I asked her if I could call her sometime.

“Why don’t you go see about helping your friend and we can pick this up next time…”

I think that was a yes. I mean, she didn’t say no. Sure, we don’t have a date set, but I think she likes me. Right?

Being a super hero can really mess with your personal life.